There’s a metaphor here that I can’t quite connect because it makes us both sound like losers. You were out partying. I played supportive friend, because really, what else am I going to play? You like that I don’t get mad at you or judge you or worry about you. If you only knew I do all of those things within the confines of my own mind.
I’ve even stopped talking to David about you. That’s how I know that I’ve gone over the edge. David, who has never judged me for anything. I’m afraid he’ll call me crazy. I’m afraid I am crazy.
You were doing lines while I was inhaling your sweatshirt. Both these crazy unhealthy addictions. I love the way you smell. Secretly, I’m hoping my smell will be on your sweatshirt and you’ll like it. You’ll lay in bed breathing me in.
I put my face inside the sweatshirt and breathe so deeply. You come rushing into me but its only for a half a second. Then the thrill is gone. I want you to stay. I want that smell to be on me all the time.
Is that what it’s like for you? Do you get that high and then wonder why it had to go so quickly?
I keep thinking about our ending. This is the first relationship where I’m certain the ending is not going to be good. It creates such an odd dynamic. I’m certain these moments are fleeting. How strange is that. It’s not going to get better than it is right now. In fact, there’s a good chance it’s going to end explosively. There will be tears. Whose tears is the question.
I’m in a constant state of denial with you. I pretend not to care that you didn’t want me to come over. I pretend to want you to date, to be happy. I pretend that this is going to be ok. I pretend I don’t love you. I pretend I don’t want you to love me.
I simultaneously want you to stop depending on me and want you to need me forever. I want to be yours. I want to be yours more than I want you to be mine. I want you to keep me. I want your kisses to all be for me. I don’t want you to save any for her.
Oh, her. The mythical future her.
She’ll be here soon. With her freedom and her love and her sex and it’s all going to be over. You won’t need me. But, I’ll still need you. Everything will change for you and nothing will change for me. I’ll be jealous beyond belief but I’ll have to pretend I’m happy.
We’ll probably all go out together. I’ll glance across the table and know that in the not too distant past I was the one. You’ll know too but you won’t admit it. Not even in glances. You won’t wink or smile. You’ll play it so cool. I’ll be dying inside, screaming for you. LOVE MEEEEEE. But you won’t hear me. Nobody will. You’ll take her hand and I’ll smile at her. By then your smell will be long gone, even from the sweatshirt I stole from you. I’ll bury my face but it won’t be there.
And then what am I going to do?