This was a terrible idea. Why did he even suggest it in the first place? What was he thinking?
These thoughts and a million others ran through his head as he wandered aimlessly through the train station. He had arrived only an hour early for her arrival and had no idea what he should do. He watched the arrival board. Checking every 5 minutes even though he knew her train wouldn’t be there. Should he text her? Should he wait?
“Ok, calm down, let’s go get coffee.” He started to exit the station and then decided against it. There was a Starbucks just one block down but still, he didn’t want to risk missing her arrival. He laughed at himself. 40 years old and acting like a distraught teenager. He had now 57 minutes. He knew, he was sure, he would be fine to wander and get a cup of coffee. In fact, he would get back and still have over an hour to spare, but he didn’t. He grabbed a crappy cup from the station and sat, staring at the board again. It would be 30 minutes or more before her train even made an appearance on the board.
The scenarios played through his head over and over. What if she realized in the first few minutes that this wasn’t going to work? What if she turned around right there in the train station… realizing how completely ridiculous it was to be meeting him at all. What if she wasn’t on the train? What if, at the last second, she came to her senses and was sitting in a parking lot in Poughkeepsie, trying to decide if she should tell him or just disappear. It would be easy enough.
He knew little about her. He had a vague idea that she lived somewhere “upstate.” He knew her name. He knew she was beautiful. Other than that, he didn’t have much more information. He knew the taste of her kiss and that she liked vodka cranberry and cake batter ice cream. And yet, here he was, with 53 minutes to go until she arrived.
What was he thinking? Just 5 days ago, he was done. He wasn’t going to pursue anyone and just let the chips fall where they may. Then she walked into his classroom. Mismatched socks and disheveled hair. She didn’t care about either.
What would she look like today? Would she have makeup on? What if he didn’t recognize her? What if she saw him, walked right past and he didn’t even see her? What if, upon sober reflection she saw him across the station and just walked away forever?
He had to stop, he couldn’t think like that. There was something there. The way she’d looked at him when she drove away. If he could figure out what — what about him she had liked and just do more of that.
43 minutes. The hotel. Ugh. What was she going to think of the hotel? She would think he was just doing this for the sex. That was such a bad idea. Why? He’d have to explain that to her. It wasn’t about the sex. Ok… it was kind of about the sex. But yet, he knew if that didn’t happen it’d be ok. He hoped for her it wasn’t about the sex. There it was though, the hotel key in his wallet.
The thought that he would be sleeping next to her tonight made him smile and inhale sharply. There it was. There was the reason.
There was the hope that maybe this wasn’t crazy. In fact, maybe this whole thing was the most logical thing either of them had ever done.
Maybe this would be fucking magical. Maybe she would run up to him and throw her arms around him. Maybe this would be the start of the best thing he ever had. Wasn’t this why they were doing it?
Why was she doing this? What did she expect? What should he say to her? He looked across the terminal and saw it. The little flower stand. A plump Asian woman handed a bouquet to a man in a suit. How perfect would that be!
He was still scared to get up from his seat in view of the arrival board. He looked at his watch. 35 minutes to go. He shook his head at his absurd worry that walking 50 feet across the terminal would cause a catastrophe, but still hesitated before he got up.
What would she like? He had no idea. He couldn’t get roses. That would be crazy. But, he didn’t want her to think he was cheap — or too over the top. He saw a modest bouquet with pinks and purples. It was pretty, but didn’t seem too large or to be sending a message. The kind of bouquet you’d give to a friend arriving from out of town. Perfect. He gave the woman $10. She smiled almost knowingly and he wondered how much his nerves must have been showing.
We have to do something about that. He had to pull it together in the next 30 minutes.
In the 3 ½ minutes it had taken him to buy the flowers, a woman in glasses reading the newspaper had taken his spot at the little table by the coffee cart. He couldn’t figure out why this distressed him so. A split second thought of asking her to move went through his head. He shook his head and in that moment realized he was pacing. He couldn’t help but laugh trying to picture himself from the outside. A crazy guy pacing through the train station with a bouquet of flowers.
He should just stand. He looked for somewhere he could stand quietly, but still have a good view of the arrival board. The arrival board! He realized it been over 6 minutes since he’d checked and glanced up quickly. There it was, second from the bottom. ON TIME. He felt somehow panicked and relieved in the same breath. This was becoming real and he still had no idea what he was going to say.
He pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened up her last text. “At the station! See you soon! :-).” He started to type, asking how her ride was going… wanting to ask if she really truly got on the train or if she was on her way back home. Had she finally decided this whole thing was nuts?
“How’s the ride?” He saw the words and the flashing cursor and held his hand over the Send button but then decided against it. He didn’t want to seem too eager.
Too eager. The thought made him laugh. He was too eager. Standing here, with 20 minutes to go, holding a bouquet of flowers, with a room key in his pocket, all for a girl he’d met once.
A new thought entered his mind — what if he didn’t like her? What if he had made her to be this perfect woman in his head? What if, with his impending divorce he was just yearning for the attention that she gave him that night? What if she was clingy and weird and he had to spend the next 24 hours with her? What if, in the daylight without the help of a few jack and cokes she wasn’t that cute at all?
There were so many ways this could go terribly wrong and only one, very small, unlikely chance any of it would be worth it. What was he thinking? What was she thinking? What kind of girl would come to the city to see a guy that she barely knew? A crazy one. He couldn’t handle any more crazy. He should have given it more time. He should have talked to her more before suggesting this.
10 minutes. The thoughts wouldn’t stop. They kept barraging him with a thousand reasons to walk out of the station. But there was the one that kept his feet planted. What if?
What if this was perfect? What if that night wasn’t a fluke? What if her smile and her kiss and her touch were as perfect as he imagined them to be in his mind? What if this is what he’d been waiting for? What if he was exactly what she needed? He looked down at the flowers and smiled. She deserved these. She deserved this humble bunch of flowers and so so much more. Whatever happened next he liked this feeling. He liked being hopeful.
He liked the butterflies and the nervousness and that he couldn’t think straight. He liked feeling. He didn’t know that he could still do this. It was scary as fuck. As evidenced by his crazed pacing in the station just a few minutes earlier. But, still, he was grateful to her. He was grateful she somehow, was able to wake him up — to make him feel again.
As the time dwindled, the nerves were almost unbearable. He looked up at the board, constantly now. He saw her train, it would be the next one assigned a track. And then — it was gone. He looked again and for a second thought he’d imagined the whole thing — her, the train, the flowers. What was he doing there?
Where was this train? He watched as a train, and then another, and then another were assigned tracks. What had happened to her?
He stood in line for customer service and then looked at his watch. She would have arrived 5 minutes ago. What if she was looking for him? What if she saw him first? Standing in line holding these flowers? Ugh the flowers.
He texted her. “Are you here? You’re not on the board.”
“Train got delayed. 20 minutes out.”